Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

killer shrike
Mon Feb 27, 2006 at 05:23:57 pm EST
Subject
The Adventures of Alcheman #28 Part Two
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
 		Next In Thread >>

The Adventures of Alcheman #28, Part Two


“Set Ups, Pay Offs, and Swerves”





Prison was proving to be a unsatisfactory experience for Jenni Wooster.

Bad enough she had to remove her extensions, her press-on nails, and her water bra. Even worse had been the fact she would not be allowed to keep her “prescriptions” or that the pharmacy would even categorize them as such so she could take them under the supervision of prison doctors. But the worst indignity was who she was expected to share a cell with.

“What the %&*#! do you think you’re doing? Get your skinny blonde @#$ off of there!” the vast… womanish figure entreated as she stomped into the tiny chamber. She was tall enough to glare at Jenni straight in the eye, even though the young heiress was perched up on the top bunk of the cell’s beds.

“I beg your pardon?” Jenni squeaked.

“You’re in my spot, skank,” Ginormous Gina stated.

“You want to sleep up here?” the freshest fish at Paradopolis County Penitentiary asked incredulously, “That’s probably a bad idea. I mean, for one, there’s your… ahm, heft. Not that there’s anything wrong with being plus-sized, of course. Women with your shoulders look so good in strapless stuff. But see, here’s the thing, heh heh, I’m claustrophobic and since the warden took away my freakin’ pills I’m barely holding it together as it is but the very idea of me on that bottom bunk with you looming over me, pressing down on me, one creaky bedspring away from falling and crushing me under your big fat body I-“

Ginormous Gina made it clear what she thought of Jenni Wooster’s idiosyncratic fear by grabbing her by her (real) hair and hurling her lithe frame across the cell. She banged off the toilet with a pitiful yelp.

Just as Gina attempted to take hold of her cellmate again and drown her like the jailhouse rat she was she felt a sharp blow to the back of her knee. It was strong enough to buckle Gina’s tree trunk thick leg and cause her to stumble. When she tried to turn and face her attacker Gina caught a knee to her temple. That strike was enough to drop her entirely. A pretty Asian woman straddled Gina’s prone form.



Again she used her knees, this time to apply excruciating pressure on Gina’s kidneys, the newest arrival spoke softly and firmly, “My name is Chiaki Bushido. From this point on I will be Jenni Wooster’s cellmate. When I release you you will have five minutes to remove your belongings. Then I expect you to inform the others in the cellblock that Miss Wooster is under my protection. OK?”

“O-ok,” Gina wheezed.

As Gina stumbled around gathering up her things, the Psychic Samurai helped up her client.

“Thank you, Chiaki,” Jenni said in her most persuasive baby voice, “Um, I can still have the top bunk, right?”

*****


“That was so cool the way you beat up Elephant Woman, Chiaki,” Jenni Wooster enthused later. She stared up at the cell’s ceiling with her arms folded behind her head, “Do you think you could teach me? I mean, I need to be able to defend myself if I’m alone cornered in the yard. Or the laundry room. Or the shower.”

From below the young warrior hesitantly agreed, “Yes, but it took me years to master such skills. I rather think that you will have other ways of spending your time once we are free from our confinement.”

“I don’t know: we could be here awhile. We should be prepared. Say,” Jenni poked her head over the side to look down at her bodyguard, “Do you know how to make a shank?”

“Not really, no.”

“We might need to find out. I saw on Oprah that shanks are very in in prison. Oh, and she also said that if you expect to survive in the stir you need to join a gang.”

“Oprah said that, did she?”

Jenni nodded earnestly, “Yes. Now, I’m guessing the Muslims probably won’t take us, and I’m a little reluctant to pledge the Aryan, er, Sisterhood, ‘cause they’re Nazis, and that’s bad. No matter how they were represented in The Producers.”

“Er, yes. Perhaps we could, ah, table what gang to join, for the moment,” Chiaki offered.

“Oh. OK. Um, maybe now is a good time to talk to you about my Somni-Monophobia?” Jenni asked meekly.

“Somni-Monophobia?” the Psychic Samurai predicted she wasn’t going to enjoy learning the details of that condition.

She would be right.

*****


“Put the mattresses on the floor?” Jenni objected, “There’s probably pee-pee down there.”

Chiaki Bushido yanked her mattress off the bed frame, “Look,” she noted with a hint of irritation, “If you’re telling me the only way we can avoid you suffering from screaming night terrors is to have you sleep by someone then this is what we’re going to do.”

“OK,” Jenni fretted as she clambered down to help Chiaki set up their new sleeping arrangements, “I’m sorry, Chiaki.”

“It’s all right.”

The pair laid down; far, far away from each other.

Jenni tried to explain, “I’m not gay, you know: just dysfunctional. My childhood was messed up. You’ve met my mother.”

“Yes.”

“So you can see what I had to deal with. Between her, my dad’s… issues, my jealous sister…”

“What about your brother?”

“Michael?” Jenni asked slyly, “What do you want to know?”

“Nothing. I was just pointing out that he seems like he could have been a source of stability in your life.”

“Sure: now. But back before he got himself disowned he was as crazy as everyone else,” Jenni became somber, “I always admired him for that. Getting out. I ask myself, ‘would I be willing to give up my share of a $150 million fortune in exchange for my freedom and sanity?’ Then I remember how much money $150 million dollars is.”

“I understand.”

“It’s a f****** lot,” the heiress made clear.

“It certainly is.”

“But back to Michael; he really is a good guy. Even if he isn’t rich. He’s smart, considerate, easy on the eyes…”

Chiaki kept quiet.

“I think he looks like Hatman, except he doesn’t wear a hat usually,” Jenni paid her brother her highest compliment.

“I don’t see the resemblance.”

“Oh,” the young blonde picked up a trace of exasperation in her friend’s reply, “Sorry if I’m bothering you with my girl-talk, Chiaki. I’ll keep quiet from now on,” she turned away to face the wall.

The samurai’s frustration turned to guilt, “Jenni, it’s all right. You weren’t bothering me. We can talk… girl-talk.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“Cool. So, are you seeing anyone?”

Chiaki had to smile at the girl’s persistence, “No. I just came out of a relationship. Not long term, but it was intense.”

“Ooh, sounds juicy.”

“Actually, believe it or not, it was with the man you were comparing your brother’s appearance to.”

“I beg your pardon?”

The Psychic Samurai blushed slightly, “I was with Hatman for a while. With Jay.”

Silence.

“Jenni?”

“WITH WHO?”

And with that, the roof caved in, figuratively and literally.

Next: Jenni and Chiaki are sprung, if you can call being kidnapped by a vengeance seeking swordsman ‘sprung.’ Also, we catch up with Bendist, Honoria, and the rest of the Joy Corps. Out soon.



cpe-24-160-18-76.sw.res.rr.com (24.160.18.76) U.S. Company
Palm Web Pro/Windows XP (0.15 points)
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v3.0 alpha © 2003-2006 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2006 by Mangacool Adventure